I’ve always been fond of the way things work, the way things fall into place at the right time to set things in motion. There’s just something so fascinating about the little details in this world that make all the difference. I like to take notice of anything and everything that makes a person who they are. What makes them tick and what motivates their choices. It’s strange to think that one can easily find out what your dating style is with what you’re wearing, but that’s exactly what keeps me so engrossed in the whole idea of it. It’s something that’s been with me ever since I was a kid, and is one of what I consider to be one of my greatest skills to date.
There were times in my life that have proven this skill to be quite useful. Times wherein I found myself answering a question on a quiz based on the yellow striped shirt that my teacher was wearing. Something which had prompted me to remember what he was saying in the exact moment that he lectured about the parts of the cell that had almost eluded me. There were other times where I would find myself carrying on a conversation that another friend had been having only because of my ability to listen in from across the room.
One of the best applications I have found for this skill is with the relationships I’ve had with people, particularly those of the opposite gender. I’ve always considered myself quite the shy guy. I’ve never found it easy to converse even on a casual level with the girls around me. Coming from an all boy school, it’s not really a surprising trait, but it was something that I had to deal with nonetheless. I’ve always just found it easier to respond, rather than to start a conversation. Being able to observe the situation first always allowed me to pinpoint the topics that I bring up, and that’s usually how it went. If ever I would meet someone for the first time, I would often be caught dead with nothing to say because I had yet to “study” those who I would talk to.
It was a process of trial and error, experimenting on the right talking points that would get the conversation right. I would hit it off with some, and fail terribly with others. Some of which caused me the most embarrassing nights of my life.
Eventually, I hit my stride, and even got myself a girlfriend. She was perfect. I would comment on her new dress, her new haircut, on the new way that she would wear her belts. She loved how I noticed everything about her, and I was proud to show off my growing skills. But as the universe would have it, not everything was meant to be noticed, and that’s exactly where things met their demise. The way she tied her hair suddenly looked annoying, her clothes began to run the same monotonous path as the song that she plays over and over in my car, her sweet nothings became sweet nothings.
As luck would have it, it was just not something that was meant to last. The signs were all there, and it was unfortunate that fate would not allow me to miss them.
What I realized was that I was so busy observing others, that I hardly had any time to take a look at myself. This was something that I had to experience over and over before things eventually became clear. It was clarity through adversity, certainty through the doubt. But even a lifetime of looking could not prepare me for what I was about to see next. It was however, not something for me to see, but rather for someone to see me.
Just when you think you’ve seen them all, in comes the one that finally knows your blind spots. As afraid as I was to jump into the unknown, I was cheered up by the fact that this was a something new for me to observe, little did I know that I would finally meet my match. She was jagged, flawed, and came with the heaviest baggages. Yet there was something about her that I just couldn’t take my eyes, ears and mind off. She gave me all of the right reasons to be afraid, and even more so to run, but that’s exactly why I chose to stay.
When you find someone who challenges your very being, it’s hard not to push that away. They will find buttons on you that haven’t been pushed, and create scars that don’t heal. But it is in these small things that you will understand, as cliche as it is, that love is truly blind. After all, the devil is in the details.