“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
– Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym
Year 2012 has given me a lot of things to be grateful for. I was able to accomplish most of what I’ve listed in my new year’s resolution. I got to drive my own car, found a new job with a good pay, traveled with family and made the most life changing decision in my life– and that was to be free.
As I read my old blog posts, I can’t help but laugh at myself and at the same time compare how I’ve changed. Well, maybe change is not the perfect word to describe it but it’s how much I’ve grown and matured. Most of my posts were about my usual rants and raves about the world, how insecure I was and how I’ve been wanting to find myself. Maybe because I was never given constant re-assurance that I was doing fine or at least for my age, If I was doing great or not. But with all of what I’ve experienced, I learned that no one can really give me that assurance, except for myself. I should have never tried hard to find myself because I was never lost.
On May of last year, I ended my 6-year relationship. It was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make that year because I knew that I was not just going to break someone’s heart but because I also knew that people will try to judge my decision. Several people were surprised and tried to ask me what happened. Relatives, friends, colleagues and many more. Too many that it was so obvious that some just wanted to have something to talk about. But I never tried to explain to anyone because I felt and believed that I did not have to. Many have called me names, even some of my closest friends did not understand why I had to make that decision. He himself bashed me over the internet but I kept mum. I thought, maybe it was his way of moving on. I did not speak. I did not even access the internet for a while or at least I tried not to visit any of my accounts that was visible to anyone who knew me, who knew US. I decided to leave the world where I was before.
If you were to ask me before, what made me end that 6-year old relationship, I would have answered you, “I just wanted to do things on my own” or “I want to find myself” because I’m too much of a wuss and got really scared of being judged. But just like what I’ve mentioned earlier, I have matured (in a way), I guess. So if you were to ask me now, I’m no longer scared to give you a straight answer. So what happened?
If I were to pick a movie scene that would best fit my answer, it would be:
I was a firm believer of great love and I believed that if you love someone, you’re supposed to stick with that person, no matter what. For years, I tried so hard to believe that it was not possible for us to grow apart but I guess, reality really bites if you do not listen.
I knew that I already had the answers to my questions before, I just kept on denying it. I knew that for years, I’ve been struggling to stay in that relationship because I was too scared to end it since I have invested so much already. But I cannot lie to myself anymore, I knew that it will no longer work out and I needed to end it. I needed to end it because I’m no longer happy, not because I wanted to find myself or do things on my own, but because I knew that I no longer love him the same way I did before. I fell out of love.
A lot of things have happened in those six years, a lot that nobody knew about. Many versions of our break up might have been made as well, but you see, it is very easy to judge or at least it is very easy to create a story especially if you have only heard one side of it. With all of the things that have happened, I learned one thing, you will never really know how it’s like until you’re in that situation.
It was never easy to deal with such emotional stress. At one point, I felt bad for what I did but I did not have any regrets because I knew that I was off to a better place. On my twenty third birthday, my wish was for God to help me find what I’ve been looking for and I did. He was so generous that amidst the crisis that I’m into, he led me to where I am supposed to be. He gave me back all that I’ve lost throughout the years.
Yes. I fell out of love and found new love. I am not ashamed to admit that I found this new love when I was on the verge of deciding if I should end everything and move on with my life. I knew that God would never put me in that situation if it was not part of his plan. I was not sure of how will it turn out, I had so many things in mind, questions, such as, “What if it won’t work out again?”, “What if I’m just excited?” but I had to set aside all of these because I knew that I was blessed to be in such situation where I am given the chance to make a choice. I knew that God has finally answered my prayer and so I did not think twice, I took a Leap of Faith.
After that, my whole perspective in life changed. I gained back my self confidence, I felt closer to my family, I let go of my angry heart, I started to appreciate little things and at the same time, I felt appreciated. I learned to add kindness in my heart.
Whether you believe it or not, God really has his ways of saving you from all predicaments that you’re into, especially when you least expect it. In my case, he made me meet this man, whose faith and values are intact – which was what I needed that time. He taught me that in every situation, we will always be given choices, it’s just a matter of how you commit to it. He made me realize that relationships are not supposed to be hard work as others would describe it, because for as long as you listen to each other and work as a team, then you will not notice the difficulties that life may bring you.
I cannot say that all my choices and decisions in life are correct but to have surpassed its outcomes can prove that I have toughen up through time and God has found a way to save me. I will always be grateful for that leap of faith I made 365 days ago because it made me stronger, it made me happier.
You know, life can always give us lemons, people who do not know our stories can break our spirits but we have to always remember that we do not need to be like them, we do not need to be affected. We just have to have faith in God and in ourselves, because at the end, that’s all that matters.