Today, It Begins

I just recently quit my corporate job because there was a strong push that was leading me to the path I have always wanted to take- to make a difference in this world. I have always kept that dream to myself because I felt like no one would truly understand what it is I’m trying to do. I would often hear my friends joke about it, “Here goes Mother Teresa, trying to save the world,” or “But how are you going to make money off of that?”

These are one of the biggest thoughts that fill my head when I’m struck by anxiety attacks- where it feels like I’m trapped in a box and wanting to escape but there’s nowhere to turn. I feel like all I could do is just give in to my fear of the unknown and not being enough. Whenever I get days that feel like this, I feel paralyzed and suffocated. But I also learn how to make friends with darkness; I sit down with my fear as if we’re two old friends catching up over a drink. Today is one of those. And this is what I have to say to fear:

Today, it begins…

That I stop hiding.

That I stop living in the shadows of fear

That I stop thinking I’m not good enough

I will step into the light because I am beautiful

With all my scars, flaws, and rough edges

I am a working progress and there is nothing to be ashamed about that

I am still learning

I will stand up for what I believe in, and speak up when needed

I will stop hiding because I deserve to be seen and known

For who I am

That I stop telling myself I cannot do it

Because I CAN

I am wrapped with endless abundant grace

And today is the day I start realizing it

I will sing-

This melody in my heart needs to be heard

I will sing the hymn of the forgotten, the lonely, the weary, the outcast

I will dance to the rhythm of the earth, the beat of raindrops,

to the slow trance of daily mundanity

I will create-

Tiny marvelous things, and paint the night sky with shooting stars

I will write-

Words of love, light, and wisdom. It will speak for the unheard,

The sick, the deaf and mute, and the broken.

That I stop saying YES when I mean No

I will set my boundaries and honor my Truth

I will not be swayed by last minute invites and late night outs

Because it’s okay to miss out

Staying in to read a book in my pajamas, with my face all bare,

And my hair in tangles is way better than forcing myself in a

Series of small talks and how are yous

I will not be pressured to go on dates and meaningless “hang outs”

Just because I have been single for four years…

And counting.

All this love that I am learning to give myself will be one day

be given to the right person too.

That I listen to the voice inside me and follow my heart

Maybe there’s more to climbing the corporate ladder and slaving away

Every second, every minute, every hour that I could have spent

Discovering the world, finding my voice, reinventing myself, talking to strangers,

Inhaling fresh air, and climbing mountains.

Maybe there’s more to life than getting a promotion and six digit paychecks

Maybe somewhere out there, I can change a little piece of someone’s world by sharing a piece of mine

Maybe somehow, somewhere, this story could save a life

What if I can do so much more, BE more, live more?

What if I live my days doing what I love?

Today is the day that I follow my inner compass

I will listen to that tiny voice, that voice inside me-

That is waiting to be heard, waiting to be seen, waiting to be known.

So today it begins…

I recently launched a non-profit organization dedicated to raising self-awareness among the youth along with two other like-minded partners who strongly wanted to take action on this cause. There’s a long way to go, but I’m glad I took that step. I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but I don’t. At least, not yet. I’m at the edge of my comfort zone. I’m still in a cocoon wanting to break free. But I have high hopes that maybe one day I’ll look back and come across these words. It will be a reminder of how far I have gone, and the uncomfortable process of metamorphosis that led me to where I am now. Until that day, I raise my glass to my fear. Salute!

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