Truth is, I’m tired.
I’m tired of society that pushes you back and pulls you down, of people loving too little and hating too much, of love and of loss, of expectations and of rejections.
Enter headaches and stress, deadlines and defense, sleepless nights and nightless sleep, how dejected can you get?
Truth is, I’m tired.
I’m tired of lies and living in lies, of people showing only the versions they want to show and of shows that people put on.
I’m tired of thinking lowly of myself and of myself thinking highly of others. I’m tired of insecurities becoming my best friend and of the toxin I am becoming.
I NEED A BREAK.
I need a break from the negativity. I need a break from the chaos.
So I pack my bags, headed to a place where, once and for all, I will be given a pat on the back and I will hear the words “good job”, a place where I can do what I have been afraid of doing all along: to be alone.
To be alone without being lonely. To be alone without feeling empty.
This is not an escape. Not even a bandaid solution. If the clue is still not evident, that place is myself. My soul. My entirety.
And so I go, trying to discover what mistakes I have made, what my fault is, or what I have done wrong. I try so hard to search for my defects with a pinky promise of instantly changing them.
Then it hits me. I’ve been pushing myself to know what is broken, only to be broken even more. I’ve been digging deeper into my flaws, only to see more of them. I’ve been asking for solutions, when all I really need is acceptance. An acceptance that starts with me.
I need to accept that I am flawed, and if I continue using these flaws to degrade myself, no one suffers but me. If I continue allowing these hindrances to center my life, nobody else is to blame but me. If I continue letting pain to cling onto me, no one else is the victim but me. What I genuinely need is to accept everything life throws at me and do whatever it takes to stand strong amidst the hurdles.
It is beautiful how it is in silence that I break out from the complexities of the society. It is in introspection that I explore the unknown within me. It is in aloneness that I get to celebrate the beauty of being one with myself.
Truth is, I’m tired. But I’m still fighting.