Where Am I Now

Let me tell you a story.


I got my heart broken almost four months ago. The break up, as I’d like to see it, was not a messy one. No public dramas, no screams, no tears. Hindi naman yung fact na hiniwalayan ako ang nag break ng puso ko. It was more painful to ask – what now? How do I even start over again? I remember how everyone was concerned about me and how I felt. Now that I think about it, I felt numb. It happened so sudden, I just decided not to feel anything. I have forgiven that person. I also decided to acknowledge my emotions. And yes, it is painful. Hurts like hell. However, it is amazing how I managed to look for love in the past few months. Point of clarification: I’m neither seeing nor entertaining anyone new. I am thankful for my family, my friends, the YFC community, and basically just everyone who stood by me. Despite what he said, this break up is not easy for me. Yet, I continue to trust that the Lord is simply writing the best love story for me.


As I tried to pick up the pieces of my heart, I felt like I was in the dark. Fresh out of college with no concrete plans yet. Fresh from a break-up. Discerning whether to transition out of the sector or to stay, yet again, for another year. All these thoughts slowly consumed me– mentally, emotionally and spiritually.


By God’s grace, I found myself in Palawan for the International Conference (ICON) of YFC. The ICON served as an escape for me – from all the worries and burdens I felt back home. My prayer was simply: Lord, kayo na ang bahala. Pagod na ako.


I let go and let God. Little did I know, this is what He wanted me to do all along. To let Him hold my hand, leading me to greater heights. He speaks when we listen, when we listen with our hearts. A few weeks after Palawan, the couple coordinators entrusted me the whole sector. To step up and be an ate to the whole YFC North B– overwhelming, yes. Initially, it felt like a huge conspiracy. On the other hand, I was simply reminded of the discernment I had about two years ago. It took time before everything sunk in. I realized that it was simply an affirmation of the mission He was continuously calling me to do.


Upon graduation, the only thing I had in mind was to apply for graduate school at the Ateneo and for scholarship under the IPC. (I wrote this almost a year ago.) Lo and behold, I’m writing this entry from the graduate section of the Rizal Library. My body is still adjusting to the demands of being a graduate student (i.e. biglang kasipagan, spending time to really read, etc.) and the culture but so far, I am loving the academic culture in this University and I am grateful to be part of the 2nd batch of the IPC-DSA scholarship. Sure, it can be stressful at times but I simply remind myself all the time why I wanted to pursue further studies in the first place. Para sa lipunan. Though I am in Ateneo, a place familiar to me, I enjoy learning new things as well as meeting new people. Very refreshing.

In the months that passed by, I am amazed by things that happened. Admittedly, I have accomplished more in that period of time compared to the past year. Why? I really don’t know. I’m simply looking forward to where else He will take me in the next few months and years.

Let go. Journey with the Lord.

About the Contributor

​Debbie Manalili is currently pursuing her MA Sociology at the Ateneo de Manila University. A woman of all sorts: lakwatsera, an avid reader, an introvert, and a social media enthusiast. She is also an active part of the CFC-Youth For Christ community, a lay Catholic organization.

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