Don’t you find it bizarre when you feel too much of every single emotion you could possibly have? You are excited for an upcoming project, giddy about how your day went, nostalgic after meeting an old friend, terrified of the changes in your life, disappointed for not being good enough, displeased for not getting what you have expected, and furious about something you have seen coming down the road. All these feelings can get overwhelming especially when they come to your senses all at once, that sometimes you just don’t know which emotion you should completely give in to first.
This, my friend, is what I am feeling right now.
I should be happy with what I have achieved so far and contented about it, perhaps. However, there is something inside of me that is incessantly bugging me. What is missing? What made my day went wrong? Why is there sadness in the voice inside my head?
Many people would say that contentment is the key towards happiness. Many will find me greedy and aggressive for always trying to get what I want. Many will even accuse me of being ungrateful and discontented. What these many people do not know is that contentment, like any other secrets towards a happy life, is subjective — what satisfies one may not be fulfilling for some.
I find it cliché whenever people say that you should be contented to be happy. What happened to achieving more, improving yourself, and becoming the best that you can be? If you are contented, you stop trying harder. You stop exerting efforts to achieve something greater. You feel complacent and you become risk-averse.
Not being contented does not mean not being happy. It only means that you are not willing to settle for something that is less than what your heart is craving for. Happiness is achieved differently for each person. Happiness is not what people say, dictate, or push to your senses. You have your own definition of it, no matter how unreasonable it can be.
So am I happy? Maybe I am. Am I contented? I think I will never be. All these feels are making me an incomprehensible person right now, and all these uncertainties and questions in my head are keeping me uptight.
I wish I knew the answers- right here, right now. But all I could do at the moment is to try to figure things out.