Getting Over Myself

I always get nervous at 2 in the morning. I would curl up in my bed, alone in my studio apartment, and go back and forth about what I want to do with my life. I’ve read articles an essays, even research studies about our generation on how we refuse to grow up and how we put off adult responsibilities for as long as we can. I take relief in the thought that I am not alone, and that in the same boat as me are many in our generation. What makes me nervous is that nagging voice in my head telling me to jump off the boat and swim onto uncharted waters. I want to know if I can swim against the current, and drown into the waves of being someone bigger than myself. Maybe it’s true, we’ve become so full of ourselves. Maybe we have been living our days unknowingly on our own pedestals. Maybe we’ve been nursed and cradled by the privileges and options we have in life. Maybe we’ve been convinced the world owes us something.

I’m tired of dilly-dallying and poking fun at dodging responsibilities. We’ve been reassured by those listicles that messing up is okay, that you can forgive yourself for blowing off what little savings you had for seizing your days, or that you can pat yourself in the back for resigning from your third job because you’re still finding yourself at 23. You can always convince yourself there is more than one way to live your life. But for how long are we going to live in these excuses? How long are we going to bask in the fact that we’re underperforming citizens? It gets to a point when the joke is not fun anymore and the punchline becomes yourself.  What we may not realize is how self-serving this kind of life is where we only please our own gratifications and our socio-political right to do what we want with our lives. At the end of the day, it’s our life to lead and our rules to set. To whom much is given, much is expected in return. Beside perfecting the selfie, and airing our free speech on social media, what are we doing to create miracles in the world?

I figured the only way to live for a cause greater than myself is to grow up and become responsible. I want to see the world change through the humble ways that I can contribute, through the works of my hand and the the stories I tell. I want to be good at what I do because this is the only way I know I can affect the world. I know that this will entail getting my act together, handling my finances, and facing long-term decisions and commitments – basic things I’ve been laughing with myself for being bad at.

I’ve been waking up for my petty concerns as a millennial and maybe I can change that. I want to wake up with the hunger in my spirit and the fire in my belly to be an instrument of change. And I hope to pull this off in the end.


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