In all honesty, I would’ve never thought that I’d be able to sing or perform in front of people. I would’ve never thought I’d be able to utter that first line, to sing that first note, or to even strike that first chord. I got tired of trying back then and buried that long-lost thought in the darkest depths of my subconscious, thinking: Maybe… maybe this isn’t just for me.
But five years later, one night in a ambient café… I did it.
Browsing through my social media feed, I saw an invitation for an open mic night for everyone who was interested to perform – whether it may be spoken word poetry or a musical one. I opted for the latter, never knowing what was in store for me. I remembered all of my aspirations and the things that came with it, the good & bad ones alike.
Nevertheless, I took the risk. I shed off all of my last traces of awkwardness. I left my baggage and reveled in the reality that I had garnered a new one; the kind that does not stink of self-misery and negativity filled by those around me. I had this fresh life ahead of me, away from my wretched bygones.
Once I was in front, the lights were blinding me — not my eyes, no — but my heart. I was numb, but in a good way. And as I struck my first chord, I had lost all thoughts that prevented me from doing what I loved the most: Singing. Playing an instrument. Making a certain connection with people.
It was a night that I will savor. I will never forget those who engaged with me as they shook their shakers spontaneously from the crowd and smiled through it all. I will never forget those who bobbed their heads to the beat of my song. I will never forget those who looked into my soul and had that certain connection — yes, I could tell.
Everything seems to fit into place now. This is just the start, and how I’ve managed to strike the first chord still baffles me. Who would’ve thought — I mean, HOW would’ve I thought, years later… I’d be holding my guitar and ukulele and sing in front of a microphone, a thing that seemed so foreign to my past psyche.
Slowly, the Universe is conspiring with my innermost aspirations. I’ve hidden them for so long due to fear. I’ve been trapped in the blackest of dungeons and the highest of towers but I have rescued myself from the demise of locking myself up forever.
If I were to speak to my younger self, I’d tell her, “People might have not believed in you, they might have raised their eyebrows and raised doubts, questioning you and your goals… But you’ll eventually get there. I promise.”